Let me start off by saying that the list of preworkout supplements that I would endorse has literally zero products. I don’t think anyone needs a preworkout supplement and quite frankly, I hate them. It’s 30% because I think they are useless, 20% because there are other alternatives, and 50% because of how annoyed I am by people that take them. It seems to me that preworkout people are the vegans of the supplement taking world. They always have to show off what they take, talk about their dependence on caffeine, and dry scooping for attention. Ew. Don’t be that person. I recently took a trip down the supplement aisle at my grocery store and was blown away by how dumb the current trends are. I am not associated, sponsored, or endorsing any of the products discussed in this article and if you are hoping you’re going to read this and find information on which preworkout supplement you should buy, you won’t find it.

At the beginning of the year I posted something very similar to this article on my IG story and some ass clown told me I was in the pocket of Big Whey Protein because I said that whey, creatine, and caffeine are the only supplements that are really worth considering. Now……was this kid’s IG page a billboard for the supplement pyramid scheme he got tangled up in? Yes, obviously. And did he tell me to stay in my lane, which in his words, was “meal prepping and cooking” even though I have a degree in exercise science and zero professional training as a chef? Yes, of course. And was he able to see the irony in calling me a shill for Big Protein even though I have no vested interest or sponsorship in any supplement company while his IG page was one big advert for some shitty supplement brand? No, not a chance.

The Preworkout Problem

I’m not a huge supplement guy as it is. The only thing I take regularly is fish oil and that is just because I don’t ever eat fish. I drink a protein shake maybe once a month and really only use protein powder when baking. Creatine is, in my opinion, the greatest supplement on the market. I don’t personally take it but I have no good reason for why I don’t. It’s cheap, effective, and available. Preworkout supplements are overpriced, overhyped, junk-laden pieces of shit. You don’t need a preworkout supplement. Don’t tell me you need to have one for energy. Get better sleep. How about that? If you aren’t eating enough calories, eating enough protein, and getting enough sleep and you are wondering what supplements you should take to improve your performance/results in the gym you are trying to answer the wrong question.

Most preworkout supplements are formulations of a number of different ingredients. Some good ingredients. Most not worth a damn. If you are taking a preworkout supplement and it doesn’t include caffeine or creatine, you can surely do without. Caffeine and creatine are the only ingredients commonly included in preworkout formulations that, in my opinion, have the scientific backing to warrant their use. Preworkout supplements are filled with useless shit to make them different and standout. You’d probably get more of benefit if it was filled with table sugar instead. The supplement industry isn’t vetted by the FDA before products hit the market so manufacturers can realistically get by with whatever they want until something bad happens. If you’ve been around the industry for a while you may remember Jack3d from a decade ago. It was a wild preworkout supplement that used a synthetic stimulant which started to fuck people up after a short time. If you haven’t seen the movie Bigger, Faster, Stronger it is a great look into some of the chicanery behind supplement formulation.

Look at These Unbelievable Products I Found at the Store

Maybe I am just the worst marketer in history but why can’t these companies just make a normal label with a generic name. Call your preworkout supplement “preworkout” and put your brand name above it. Why do so many of these products have the worst names any person could possibly come up with? Who is falling for this?

This was my favorite one I saw at the store. WOKE AF. Hahahahahaha. I hope you all can appreciate how unbelievable this is. This company’s name is Bucked Up, which obviously needs to be changed if they ever expect me to take them seriously. I can’t figure out what these guys are trying to get at with this name and label. An American flag colored deer screams guy from high school who drove a pickup truck and wore belt buckles and Carhartt and always got in trouble for having a hat on in class. You know, the exact kind of guy you would expect to not be Woke AF or ever want to be associated with anything Woke AF. Who are these guys trying to market to?

Why does this need to be called Total War? It’s for people that are about to exercise, it’s not that important. Imagine being a person that is going to get mad at me for saying that. Hahahaha. And trust me, they are out there. There are thousands of bros out that that would unironically say “Dude, when I go to the gym it is Total War. I’m not going in there to pussyfoot around. My time is sacred and the gym is my temple. If you’re not going to give it your all, don’t even go.” Chill out, guy. You’re literally forcing my hand to make fun of you. Again, just call it preworkout. Why can’t this be Redcon1 Preworkout. Maybe they have to give them dumb names so that if someone dies after taking it they can switch up the formulation a bit, rename it, and put it back on the market. I guess you can’t do that if it’s generically named.

This one makes me laugh too. It’s the exact opposite of the first two. Have a preworkout but make it cute. This brand had an entire line of supplements with the more aesthetic labelling targeting women, including way overpriced protein powder. Don’t fall for it.

The Billion Dollar Preworkout Brand

Walking through the supplement aisle at the store every couple of months to laugh at all of the new junk is one of my guilty pleasures. I am a historian of the industry. What better person to launch a new supplement than me? I have studied the trends. I am familiar with the science. I have spent the better part of the year on Tik Tok becoming one with Gen Z, the number one consumer of preworkout supplements. I hold all of the cards. What does it take for a successful preworkout supplement you ask? Well, you clearly need a horrible name. You have to include extra ingredients to be flashy. Lastly, you need to be perceived as cool among youths, because as many of you know, the children are our future. Bad Name. Extra. Cool. Once someone can put all of those things together they will be swimming in riches. As you can see by my handy chart below, I am very close.