Every year around the Holidays, people across the internet put out their Holiday Gift Guides which are filled with some of the dumbest gift ideas a person could ever conceive. Make no bones about it, these people don’t actually care to help you. They do this purely to put out their affiliate links so that they get a cut of anything you add to your cart after you click. These people want your relationships to fail. They are unironically telling people to buy their guys beard oil. I googled Christmas Gifts for Men and this was the second thing suggested on one of the first results. If you buy this for your significant other just wrap it with the divorce papers as well cause it’s over.
I am in an interesting position as one of the few Blog Boys out there and I’m able to give you first hand perspective of what a 20-30 something male actually wants to receive as a gift and let me tell you, it’s not what these dummies are putting on their guides. Here are 10 things that dudes actually want in no particular order:
How is your husband/bf supposed to kick it with the boys in Sin City if they don’t have a little bungalow to vacation to? I know many of you are going to scoff at this and say “Where am I supposed to come up with $32,500,000?” And to that I would ask, have you considered picking up a second job? Maybe you could drive Ubers after you get off work each night until you come up with the $32 million dollars. I think it might be time to start a side gig. For all of you who remain skeptical I will leave you with this passage from the best selling book of all time called The Bible.
Phil 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
You get to dirty the house with those eyesores you call decorations for every single holiday so it is only fair that they get a modest 10’x10′ footprint of the yard to claim as theirs. Might I suggest some kind of animal to be your new crown jewel. Perhaps a large ungulate like a moose or an elk. A caricature of rockstar Jon Bon Jovi is another good choice. Whatever is chosen, it will assert dominance over all of your neighbors which is what every single guy wants. Your Homeowners Association won’t be able to do anything about it because they will have to cower in the shadow of your new great masterpiece in order to serve you your papers to remove it. No self respecting person would ever do that. See a few sentences back where I talk about asserting dominance. You are the HOA now.
3. Cancel Your Pumpkin Patch Visit
The next time you are considering disrespectfully taking one of your husband/bf’s Saturdays and dragging them to a lame pumpkin patch or Christmas tree farm, reconsider. They don’t want to go. That is a horrible idea. Take them to the nearest body of water with some form of elevation around it and watch them throw rocks into the water until they can throw no more. This could be a cliff or a bridge. The higher the better. It will be the happiest you’ll ever see them, and you want to be the person that brings them to that happiness. We just want to harness the raw power of gravity within our hands and you want us to pretend like it’s fun to look at pumpkins??? Give me a break.
No it’s not for what you think it’s for. Gross. Grow up. This gift is actually as much for you as it is for them. You can dress the mannequin up to look like your partner. Now when you get home from work you can tell the mannequin about all of your work problems and office drama because I cannot stress to you enough how much your husband/boyfriend does not care. In fact, I can guarantee you that it physically pains them to have to listen to it. Do not continue to subject them to that horror.
5. Your Entire Annual Salary Placed into a Sports Betting Account
This one will only work if you are dating and not married. If you are married and the finances are consolidated it kind of defeats the purpose. That being said, if you want to be a good girlfriend place your entire annual salary into an account at your boyfriend’s favorite sports book. Every guy thinks they are the world’s best handicapper and are convinced they can create generational wealth by bankrupting casinos. Do you want your future family to be well off? Your boys are out there going to war on Sunday to bet on those football games the least you can do is feed their bankroll.
6. A Subscription to The MPM Club at www.mealprepmanual.com because it will make them very cool and all of their co-workers jealous
Okay they probably don’t actually know this exists but they need it and should have it. Is it really me who wants them to have it? Yes. Should you buy it for them as a Christmas present for me? Yes.
7. 5 Coupons To Get Out of Anything You Are Going to Force Them To Do
You give them 5 Get Out of Anything coupons. They can use them at any given time, whenever they want, to get out of whatever it is you are forcing them into. You have to agree and can’t start a fight/be mad about it. It could be as small as doing the dishes but no intelligent guy will use them for that. These are to be used for the big stuff. Like going to your 4 year old nephews soccer game on a Saturday. Or to get out of going to dinner with all of your work friends and their loser husbands. Or having to attend the birth of your first child together. Whatever it is you can’t say no and he can use it whenever.
8. An Aquarium with a Hammerhead Shark
Get rid of the guest bedroom and put in a shark tank. This gift would be a double whammy because he definitely hates the guest bedroom anyway. That’s where the In-Laws stay when they visit so if you get rid of it they won’t have to come any more, one of his greatest dreams. Plus now he can say to anyone he meets “Hey do you want to come over and see my hammerhead?” and that’s ambiguous enough to be one of the coolest or most lascivious things a person can say. It will finally make him feel alive again.