This December, TMPM Enterprises LLC will turn 5 years old. 5 years is a long time and so much has evolved over that time period. TMPM started out as one digital cookbook, eventually grew to 3, and then shifted course entirely to the website you know and love today. There have been hundreds of recipes developed, hours upon hours of videos produced, and hundreds of thousands of you, the members of TMPM Nation. We ride as a team. Any attack on TMPM is an attack on all of TMPM Nation. Over the years I, the Leader of this great nation, have found myself in a few tiffs and squabbles along the way. And let me abundantly clear, NOT ONE of these altercations was started by me. In every case TMPM Nation was brutally attacked and/or threatened in an unprovoked and unwarranted manner. TMPM involvement is only the result of self defense. We don’t start wars but we do finish them and it is our duty to bring every single one of these sorry ass establishments to the ground so that not even the most simple of life forms can survive in the rubble of their remains. With that I must update you on the current state of political affairs and introduce to you our List of Rivals.
Number 5: Holistic Ali
The #mealprepmanual hashtag on Instagram had been highjacked with posts made by Holistic Ali. It was filled with the most unbelievably idiotic yet hysterical pieces of content the world of Instagram had ever seen. Don’t believe me? Check out this post.
The whole page on Instagram is filled with stuff like this and it has almost 1,000,000 followers. It’s a complete joke yet somehow there are people out there who still fall for this stuff. Holistic Ali sits at Number 5 on the list.
Number 4: Vegetables
Any and all kinds. How can I not include them on this list? Every single one of them is bad. Until they decide to be better they will continue to remain on this list and I doubt that is happening any time soon.
Number 3: Kroger and all Kroger Subsidiaries
I hadn’t regularly shopped at Kroger stores until 2019 when I lived in Seattle for a minute. At first it was the same old grocery store, nothing special, pretty run of the mill. One time at a QFC in Seattle there was a guy taking a shit in the bushes right outside the front door and that kind of put me off a bit but I used to shred gnar with my scooter through the aisles and no one cared so it all cancelled out in my book.
The TMPM rivalry with Kroger began one late summer day when I had to take a trip to one of their stores in Dallas, Texas to obtain a container of rainbow sprinkles. I was testing out a recipe for some Air Fryer Pop Tarts that day and needed a burst of color to brighten the frosted top. I cracked open my fresh container of rainbow spankers and found that included in my assortment of reds, blues, greens and yellows was an absurd amount of disgusting and ugly brown sprinkles. And if you’re thinking “wow, I bet they looked exactly like rat shit.” you would be correct. They did. My Kroger branded rainbow sprinkles were soiled with what may as well have been droppings from one of the most vile and disgusting animals on the planet and the Rivalry was born. I refuse to acknowledge Kroger as a legitimate and respectable grocer until they clean up their act.
Any time I wanted to use rainbow sprinkles for the next few months, I had to sort out all the browns with a butter knife like I was a pharmacist counting pills. Don’t ask me why I didn’t just go and buy different rainbow sprinkles. You really think I would let them win that easily? No, fuck them. Capitulating is weakness. You have to show strength in times of war. I have sent them strongly worded messages of retaliation and received nothing in return. I have suggested for every single ass clown at Kroger who signed off on this and is responsible for including brown sprinkles in the rainbow mix to be fired immediately. Until this happens or the formulation is changed to correctly reflect the colors of the rainbow and I am offered a formal apology, the rivalry carries on. Eat shit, Kroger. You made me do it.
Number 2: Every dumb IG account that has stolen TMPM content
There are hundreds of pages on instagram that take the content of creators and aggregate them together to create a following. These people suck. What they do is hurting real creators and bloggers. While this article is largely satirical, I do think this part is important. If you follow any of these accounts you should strongly consider unfollowing and instead going straight to the pages of the creators.
The aggregator pages always have the laziest handles like “calories.tutorial” or “healthy.fix” and none of their content is original. They are super easy to spot. What these pages do is build a following by taking the content of food bloggers, fitness personalities and the like and post 5-10 times a day to game the IG algorithm for growth. Once they have amassed a following they can then sell shoutouts and advertisements using content like the TMPM images as a vehicle to do so.
I used to think there was nothing that I could do about this until a member of the TMPM army let me know about a reporting tool on IG for this exact thing. IG takes this stuff very seriously as it is a violation of their terms of service. A couple of months ago I reported one page that had been using TMPM images to sell shoutouts almost weekly. Instagram removed the images and gave the page a strike for each violation. After a certain number of strikes their page gets deleted all together. The offending page emailed and DM’d me in a frenzy pleading for me to remove the strike and I got them to tell me how much they were making from the shoutouts they were selling with my posts. For the one person they always advertised with my posts they were getting $3,000.a month. Just from one person. They were likely making $10,000+ a month off of stolen content. That is why they are number 2 on this list. Those slimey little shits.
Number 1: Eggland’s Best
Never in a million years would I have thought that Eggland’s Best would ever join this list, let alone lead it but here we are. Eggland’s Best, as a company and a brand, is a dump. Nothing is a better example of the failure of state and federal leadership than the fact that Eggland’s Best hasn’t been eradicated from this Earth and moved to nothingness.
Early in the month of August, Eggland’s Best sent me an email and asked me to do a promotional job for them. They wanted me to go buy their shitbag eggs and make a recipe for them to put on their website and that I could share with my followers about how great Eggland’s Best is. I was stoked. I sent what I believed was a very thoughtful response to let them know I was excited to work with them to which the demon overlords at Eggland’s Best didn’t even have the decency to respond to. I didn’t ask for this. It was completely unsolicited. I thought they wanted to work with me. Here is their original email and my response:
After a short while without a response, I made sure to let Eggland’s Best know that they had 24 hours to respond or I would be forced to interpret their silence as an act of war. How dare they disrespect the memory of my Nonna by ignoring me after THEY ASKED ME TO HELP THEM. And do you think they responded to me within 24 hours or even to this day? No, of course not because they are cowards. They are now Number 1 on the hit list of TMPM Nation. Listen to me. If you currently buy Eggland’s Best eggs, you will quit immediately. Eggland’s Best doesn’t care about you.
I’ve spent the majority of the month strategizing what we need to do as a nation to fight back against these feeble sissies. The obvious first answer would be to create a wide spread smear campaign where I recruit all of you to tell your friends and family about how grotesque Eggland’s Best eggs are. The truth is what we want it to be. Tell your people you ate Eggland’s Best eggs and now after eating them you lost the ability to read. Eggland’s Best eggs must become synonymous with inducing vomit. This strategy would be the easiest to implement yet the hardest to be successful with.
Option 2 involves me infiltrating the Lanktree family. Charles Lanktree is the CEO of Eggland’s Best. He is also ancient, he’s practically a corpse. He has been the CEO since 1996, almost my entire life. All that means to me is that he must be searching for a successor to groom as an heir. I will change my name, appearance, and lifestyle and swoon and swindle a daughter or granddaughter of ole Chuckie so that I can marry into the family. We’ll start a life together, give him some grandkids, and I’ll gain favor with him so that he trusts me. I’ll start putting whispers in his ear that maybe he should consider spending more time with his grandkids and working less, tossing out the idea of retirement. Eventually he will sit me down and say “I think it’s time we talk about you taking over the family business.” and at that time I will know that I have won. From that moment on I will run Eggland’s Best so far into the ground that I’d strike black gold and parlay the destruction into becoming an oil tycoon. It would be biblical. Then I’d leave my fake wife and kids and return back to my normal life a winner. Either way TMPM nation will come out on top. We must stand together and fight all of these evils.