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Why Does Costco Turn on My Caveman Brain?

There is a Costco that is right across the street from my gym so I find myself walking the aisles of that concrete palace more than I probably should.  I always thought that Costco was a place for caterers and that homeschool family from every small town with way too many kids but then I got my hands on a Costco card of my own.  It was like The Great Awakening of colonial America but instead of being preached the gospel, my ears were played the sweet, rattling symphonies of 5lb barrels of peanut m&m’s. 

Something about Costco activates all of the base pairs in my DNA that connect me to my caveman relatives of yesteryear.  The giant packages of food call out for my hands to collect as if I may never eat again.  It’s not even just the food.  Last week, I walked past a display of 48 packs of double A batteries and it stopped me in my tracks.  I looked at it for at least 20 seconds, seriously contemplating if I needed to buy 48 double A batteries even though the only thing in my house that takes double A is my computer mouse and it requires just one single battery that I haven’t had to change for over a year.  

“If I don’t buy this 48 pack of batteries and my mouse dies in 2057 how am I going to be able to replace it? I asked to myself.  “I’ll still have 14 years of batteries left after that.”  

Good try Costco, but I was stronger than the dark magic you cast upon me.  That was until I got further into the maze of plenty.  It was almost as if something was calling to me.  Like Voldemort whispering into the mind of Harry Potter to join him in the Forbidden Forest to meet his fate, the voice was getting louder as I grew closer. 

Then I turned a corner into the dry goods aisle where my eyes met the disaster preparedness kits. You guys who shop at Costco surely know what I am talking about.  

“I’m not weak.” I repeated to myself as every possible scenario where I would need 100 freeze dried meals flashed before me. “You don’t need to buy this.” 

But the gravitational pull of Costco’s power grew stronger.  The voice continued to whisper in my head, “The Chinese spy balloons are carrying EMPs to detonate over the United States.  The lizard people running the country will not save you.  You will be left to die.”  Like metal in an MRI room, my hand shot to the handle of that godforsaken bucket at the speed of light.  I bent the very fabric of space time with how fast I was moving.  While time was moving slower for me as I reached for the bucket, I had a moment of clarity.  “Be stronger than the bucket. You can do this.” and I pried my fingers away from the handle and scurried away to a less enticing area of the store.  

I had won the battle but I was severely maimed and still deep behind enemy lines.  I was about as far away from the exit as possible.  Exhausted and mentally weakened, I pressed on.  I tried my damndest to keep my eyes down and away from the forbidden fruit stacked miles high in every direction around me.  Surprise, I failed.  I was almost to the cash registers and out of the woods when I had to navigate heavy traffic and detour into the snack food sections.  I was met by a Valentine’s Day surplus of strawberry yogurt covered pretzels.  They were $5.50 for giant bags. God damn it.  I put three of them in my cart.  Why am I resource guarding? I live by myself.  What kind of psychological mastery does Costco understand that I don’t?  Now that I was broken and defeated I had no chance.  Not a few steps later, I found a 40 pack of Capri Suns.  I haven’t had a Capri Sun in probably 15 years but guess what? I bought them.  I have no idea why.  

They got me so bad.

I didn’t even get my car started before I cracked open a box of the juice and plunged that yellow straw inside.  It was as perfect as I remembered.  One of my greatest character flaws is my obsessive personality. I hyper focus on things I find interest in.  This can manifest in the form of food as well. If you are asking “Wow did you eat 3 gargantuan bags and 75 servings of yogurt covered pretzels in a little over a week?” Why yes I did.  How did you know? Did I feel like complete shit after my daily 10 servings full of fat and sugar? Nope, cause I have a stomach made of titanium and I kept this up until I ran the well dry.  Good try Costco, better luck next time.

This Post Has 27 Comments

  1. Johnathan

    You know for someone who “wants to be a better writer” you certainly entertained my simple ass for 5 mins. Nice vocabulary, I also thought this was just satirical until I saw the picture at the end. Kudos brave soldier. Also I would assume the mayor of snack city wouldn’t have a burning desire for 3 bags of yogurt pretzels lmao, but hey to each there own.

  2. Sarah Bateman

    My saving grace is that I’m gluten intolerant, so I can’t have the strawberry pretzels. Sad, but makes walking through Costco easier.

    1. Robin Catton

      Gluten intolerance = poor liver function.

  3. Paula

    Thank god I hate pretzels, or I’d likely have done the same as you…

    1. Josh Cortis

      you know I’m not even a huge pretzel fan and I couldn’t stop eating them

  4. Kelli

    I’m convinced Costco alters our brain in a way we can’t explain. Can’t wait to see what your next Coscto run looks like!

    1. Kelli

      *Costco

  5. Shanekia

    This is literally me and BJ’s.. I can’t help it. I tell myself no to a lot of things but somehow I come home with 48 rice Krispy treats, 3 gallons of animal crackers and 128 packs of Welch’s gummies…now I want animal crackers *adds them to the grocery list*

  6. Maria

    I could read your blog anyday! I read in the mayor of snack city voice and it makes it even better.

  7. Katie

    You’re out of control 😂

  8. Brent

    Your writing is great Josh, I love the blog.

  9. Angela

    Hahhaa.. I have the executive membership and lets just say my rebate check pays for the fee and then some.. 👀. I shop there weekly because meal prep! So its really your fault Josh. Also I bought the pretzels because of your IG story. Its crack in a bag and I’ve never done crack but I imagine that is what it is like. 🤷‍♀️😆.

  10. Collin

    Why do I feel like you and Z Telander would be buddies after reading this lol

  11. Katie

    Obey the no cart rule

  12. Ethan Verhoff

    Why do I relate to this so much…..
    40 patties for 10 bucks that probably have E-coli – Caveman’s brain says worth it.

  13. Mary

    Costco is the best. Staples, on the other hand, is the Devil’s Playground. I go in for pens, and always come out at least $50 poorer.

  14. Michael Nichols

    Great read! Its in the nick, dead roller. I was traumatized last time I went never returned. Lady bought a Jann Arden CD and spring rolls.

  15. Shannon Wilkie

    Last year, during the winter holidays, they had the same brand of pretzels in pumpkin spice yogurt flavor. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t have picked them up, but I happened to be there on a free sample day. Ugh! They got me! A great balance of salty to sweet. So far, I’ve managed to avoid the strawberry ending up in my cart. After reading this, my next visit, I may not be so strong. 🙂

  16. Brandon Vidrine

    I live for this kind of content, lol. This pairs so nicely after watching the sick clips of the hot wheels cars doing sick nasty stunts on the tracks in his latest vids

  17. Maxine Dahl

    something something satisfying the needs of hunting/gathering. Hahaha this content was great, I live down the street from a Costco and I enjoy laughing at people without a membership as I fill up my car with their cheap, premium gas. Personally I’m always enticed by their deals in the middle of the store. I nearly bought a $20 pendleton picnic blanket when I had to stop and ask myself when the last time I picnic’d even *was*

  18. Robin Catton

    There is no Costco here in Toowoomba, in Qld. Sadly. We are getting royally screwed by the Terrible Two supermarkets here. They are price gougers of the first order.
    So, I’m envious Josh, let me tell ya.
    And BTW I’ll be able to buy a subscription next week!
    Also, may I say your tactic of providing a sensible monthly payment is pure genius. I’ve looked at other outfits and you practically have to take a personal loan for them.
    Thanks, Josh. Inspirational site!

  19. Kelson Bushey

    This was beautifully written and made me laugh.

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